Torres Vows to Find Scoring Formula

Chelsea Front Man Dedicates £25m to its Creation

Fernando Torres, Chelsea FC’s £50m striker today has promised the Chelsea FC faithful to return to the type of form that saw him set the club record for the fewest games to score 50 goals with Chelsea rivals, Liverpool Football Club. Since setting the record transfer fee to London the prolific goal scorer has struggled to score for the Blues.

The Chelsea ace has netted once in 21 appearances for the London team, although he put in a Man of the Match performance in the 0-0 draw with Stoke City in their season opener. Three games in, he is already behind the likes of Jose Bosingwa and Juan Mata (who scored on his debut against Norwich City).

Reports suggest that he is under increasing pressure to start scoring for his new club and has attempted many less traditional methods in combating his scoring woes. Those close to the Spaniard have alleged he has had his boots blessed by Shamans, consulted Eastern transcendentalists and – under fellow striker Didier Drogba’s advice – even contemplated virgin sacrifice.

But after talking to fellow ex-Red Yossi Benayoun, who underwent horse placenta treatment for an ankle injury in 2009, Torres has decided to pursue what he has dubbed “a more scientific approach” in ending what can only be described as the most expensive scoring drought in EPL history.

Torres has indicated he will spend up to half of his transfer fee in isolating the mythical Scoring Formula claiming that “it will be worth every penny if it helps me back to the top of my game.” When asked to comment, Liverpool head coach and man responsible for his sale, Kenny Dalglish, was reportedly heard laughing before hanging up.

Very little is known about the ingredients or process used to create the mysterious mixture or if it even exists, but it is believed to be based in the same horse placenta technology used by many of the EPL’s top strikers in recent years. It has been alleged that other controlled substances such as tiger penis and rhino horn might be included. Should a breakthrough be made it could revolutionize football for out-of-form strikers.

However, when polled about this unorthodox move, current and ex-aces in England’s top flight were critical of the methodology. Most spoke in favor of applying the more traditional practices of finishing chances and putting the extra time in on the training pitch.

The FA has refused to comment.

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